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Breaking Up is Easy to Do

Q. I have a problem in maintaining interest in a relationship. Mainly, I like the boy until I have him thoroughly engaged, then I lose all interest and forget about him. Just recently, I really blew it with a good friend. I know that it really hurt him. He even told me that I would never be able to find love because I’m “cold hearted”. Is this something I should worry about? I want a relationship and have had ones in the past. But it just seems to me like I hurt the person I’m trying to be with. Is this something I should seek help about or is it a phase? I’ve been really upset over this. Please help!

A. Interesting dilemma. From what you’ve said, I get that this is a longstanding pattern for you. I could analyze that pattern from at least 3 different psychological perspectives, but I’ll spare you those details. The point is, what appears to be happening is that the pattern is no longer working for you on some level, and you’d like to find a way out of it. That sounds suspiciously like maturity to me, and given your age, very appropriate.

It’s not the kind of thing I can give you a pat answer to. As much as I’d like to pull a simple solution out my magic bag, this is exactly the kind of thing a good therapist can work out with you. If you’re really broke, you can also get help at the Davis House Counseling Clinic. Counseling Grad students closely supervised by licensed therapists staff it, and it is very affordable.

I suspect that your ex-boyfriend will get on with his life. Heartbreak or no heartbreak, I wager he’ll fall in love again. For what it’s worth, I would also wager that you’ll fall in love, and that when you do you might have a greater understanding of your past patterns that will help you negotiate a relationship that works for you.

Hope that helps.

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Did I Come?

Q. I have been sexually active with my guy for over a year now, and he has lately been concerned with whether I have an orgasm. My question is, how do I really know? I get wet and it feels fantastic, oral sex is the best, I mean my body will shake. Are orgasms from oral sex only? What is the exact definition of an orgasm for a woman? He has one every time…but it’s different. So is it technically an orgasm even if it’s not huge? I just want to know how to explain it to myself, so I can explain it to him.

A. It sounds to me like you are experiencing great sexual pleasure from oral sex, and also that you aren’t technically having an orgasm. This is a tough thing to try to explain to an easily-orgasming guy.

The way I try to explain it in class is to draw it. I draw a “typical” male response pattern, with a fairly steep incline (arousal), a brief leveling off at a fairly high level of excitement (plateau), then a single spike (orgasm) followed by a steady decline (resolution). This is the pattern found by Masters and Johnson in the 60’s, and it is pretty common for most men most of the time. The thing is, for women, there isn’t one single pattern. The phases outlined by Dr. Johnson and her husband don’t necessarily go in that order, they don’t necessarily all occur, and orgasm doesn’t necessarily end responsiveness for women. Some women experience the typical male pattern, but (to use the same language) what it sounds like you’re experiencing is a slower incline (arousal phase), and a very, very, very long plateau phase. Usually when I draw it on the board, men get that what women are experiencing in that case feels VERY good, and even though it isn’t technically an orgasm, is quite satisfying.

You’ll know you’ve had an orgasm when you experience a sensation of release, and probably muscle contractions. You won’t have any doubt. Since you’re experiencing the heights of pleasure during oral sex, it sounds like you experience more sensations from the clitoral nerve pathway. You would probably experience similar pleasure during other activities, if you were using a vibe on your clitoris, or either your or your sweetheart’s fingers. If you would like to experience orgasm, I suggest Tickle Your Fancy by Sadie Allison. It is a very fun book, quite hip and full of great tips. If you want something more classic, but nonetheless effective, try Sex for One by Betty Dobson or For Yourself by Lonnie Barbach. The latter two can usually be found used at one of our great local bookstores.

Everybody’s different, and I can certainly understand why you want him to understand how good sex feels to you, and how much you appreciate him even though your experience is different than his. The trick is to help him see that his way isn’t necessarily better for you, even though he has probably never considered it through another lens before.

This experience is SO common, in fact, that it is the number one reason why over 60% of college women fake orgasm at least some of the time. To all the heterosexual college men reading this, of course it isn’t YOUR partner…

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Boyfriend Doesn’t Like Sex

Q. I have been in relationship with a wonderful guy for the last 18 months. It’s a very healthy relationship only we seem to have different feelings about sex. Sex is very important to me, and it is SO great in a committed, trusting relationship. My sweetheart doesn’t seem to be as interested in sex as I am, and seems somewhat turned off by it even. He doesn’t really like it when I’m really wet, he seems to find it distasteful.

This difference is leading to me being more inhibited, and I’m not used to that. I don’t know how to talk about this without making it seem threatening to him, or like I’m putting pressure on him to perform.

A. There is a concept in sexuality called Erotophilia/Erotophobia. It’s a continuum, like most things related to Psychology, and expresses an idea that people have a natural comfort (or not) with sex. And also like most things in Psychology few people are at the extreme ends of the continuum, we tend toward the middle. It seems likely to me that we are born with a natural range on this continuum, and our life experiences determine exactly, within our natural range, we fall.

It sounds to me like you are mostly erotophilic. You like sex, talk about it comfortably, are interested in learning about it, and I bet you LOVE the juices, etc. Your beau is more erotophobic. It sounds like he tolerates sex, but doesn’t relish it, probably shys away from talking about it, wouldn’t really be interested in learning about it, and the details turn him off.

It also sounds like he really loves you, and that you very much want to try to work this out.

That’s a hopeful sign, because generally it’s not really something about someone that is very changeable. It’s sort of a part of your natural inclination, kind of like your orientation, whom you are attracted to (Vigo Mortenson or Orlando Bloom), or whether you are more comfortable asking someone else to dance, or you prefer to be asked.

This isn’t the answer you want to hear, and it isn’t one I’m super thrilled to give you, but it’s the truth. The prognosis here isn’t good. If he has an inner sexier side that might have been buried because of unfortunate experiences, he may be able to work with a counselor competent in sexuality issues to find and nurture that part of himself. But, he could just as easily be born that way. Either he does some work to find his inner sexually expressive self (which may or may not even be there) or you will have to suppress your own natural sexuality, and that’s a very unhealthy choice in my opinion. It might work for a year or even two, but eventually your sexual energy will leak out in unhealthy ways.

This is a pretty common scenario. When it happens in this direction in a heterosexual relationship, with the woman being more into sex for whatever reason, there are some weird gender role things that complicate the solutions. Women who are sexually expressive don’t get a lot of reinforcement for that in society, and often that’s true in relationship as well. Men who aren’t very sexual experience chastisement in various ways, too.

To start with, I think that it is important that you be able to find a way to communicate this to him, and you’re right, it sounds like this is going to be challenging. Try reading Passionate Marriage as a starting place. I think you’ll find many ideas there. If you choose to see a counselor together, ask if he or she is trained in this technique.

I would also suggest Margo Anand’s book, The Art of Sexual Ecstasy: The Path of Sacred Sexuality for Western Loversi. The way to reach a man like your partner is through his heart, not through his pants. This approach would likely be enjoyable for both of you. I can also recommend Sohini Genivieve and Carlo Ponti’s Kreative World (look them up on Google) classes, which aren’t too far from here if you’d rather experience it that way.

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He’s a Minute Man

Q. My boyfriend is the epitome of the “minute man.” I honestly can’t remember the last time we had sex for more than five minutes/session. Switching up positions seems to make no difference…he comes with the touch of a feather. Obviously I am frustrated as hell by this shortage of excitement on my part. Women’s bodies require more than a few minutes of minor arousal. Any recommendations to get him to last longer? 

A. I’m going to make a couple of inferences from what you’ve written. This problem isn’t brand new, he isn’t as concerned about it as you are, and you’ve talked about it and nothing has changed.

If all of these are true, the best and truest answer I can give you is Dump That Chump! There are many, many fine, ethical, considerate, intelligent, handsome men (and many women) who would just LOVE the opportunity to spend many languid hours figuring out just how you like to be loved.

Being too quick on the trigger is one thing, it happens to the best of ‘em. Accepting it in the long run is another matter altogether. As I see it, you really have a couple of choices, if you don’t take my first recommendation. And let’s face it, if you love him, and you’re like most young women, you’re probably going to put up with this, even though it’s a bad idea, and won’t work in the long run. You could try techniques based on eastern sexual teachings to delay his response, or keep making love after he has an orgasm (probably the best choice).

If you would like to try some delaying tactics, read the Art of Sexual Ecstasy, or Male Multiple Orgasm for some suggestions. They require the participation of both partners, and it doesn’t sound like you have that, frankly.

The easiest solution would be to continue to make love, even if he has already had an orgasm. You could suggest to him ways you would like to be pleasured, and encourage him to try to focus his erotic energy that way. What will probably happen is that he will get another erection, and perhaps even come quickly again, but that’s still no reason to stop.

The whole idea that sex “starts” when the penis enters the vagina and “ends” when he has an orgasm is ridiculous, if you think about it. It starts when it feels erotic to you, and it ends when you want it to, even if no one has had any orgasms, and even if both of you have had 14!

Good luck, but really, Sister, my first suggestion still stands.

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Frequency and Good Books

Q. Please let me know the normal number of interactions for a couple about 40 years old per month. Also introduce me to an article to improve my knowledge regarding suitable behavior between a couple to reach best sexual satisfaction.

A. As I’ve said a number of times in other articles, “normal” is probably not the best term to use when it comes to sexual matters, because it varies much more than it is similar for different people. There are interesting differences in averages for people by education levels, ethnicity and religion.

Rather than try to tackle all of those issues in this space, here are a couple of highlights from the best study ever done about sex and “typical Americans”. When asked about sexual frequency, the most common answer couples in their 40s gave was a few times per month. Many couples have interactions 2-3 times per week as well. Roughly 2/3 of men and women list one of those two answers for the question.

Women who have attended College have more sexual interactions with their partners on average than do women with less education, but there are no differences to speak of for men.

In answer to your question about improving sexual satisfaction, there are a number of fine resources. Depending on your (and your partner’s) personal style, I might recommend a book called Satisfaction. There are a number of others, including one (please excuse the title, they didn’t consult with me) Extended Massive Orgasm. You can browse the book section at Good Relations, if you’re local. They can help you find books that are suitable for you. You might also search

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Orgasm from Vaginal Stimulations

Q. Is it true that some women can have an orgasm from vaginal stimulation alone?

A. The short answer to that question is a qualified yes. While 65-75% of college aged women do not orgasm from intercourse alone, a significant minority do. The clitoris, where most of the orgasm-producing nerve endings are located, isn’t particularly near the vagina, and it isn’t stimulated very much during missionary position, heterosexual intercourse. Nevertheless, there are two explanations for orgasms that some women experience from vaginal stimulation. First is the G-Spot. This area of spongy, glandular tissue lies just beneath the surface of the vaginal wall on the belly-button side, about 2-3 inches inside the vagina (when a woman is aroused). This distinction is important because the vagina expands considerably in length during arousal, and what is in one place at one time can be further inside at another. Pressure on the G-Spot can trigger orgasm and even ejaculation in some women. Discovering how much pressure, and what type feels best comes from loving exploration, and not an obsessive need to find it. Try a gentle “come hither” motion with your middle finger if you have a female partner that would like you to explore. If you would like to explore on your own, there are a variety of toys that are gently curved to assist your discovery.

The second explanation for vaginal orgasms requires a brief anatomy lesson. The clitoris is a complicated organ, consisting of much more than just what you see on the outside. Inside a women’s body, the crura (or legs) of the clitoris extend inward, along both sides of the vagina. The crura erect during arousal, but more slowly than most penises. It can take 30 minutes for the clitoris, and all of its internal structures to become fully aroused and engorged. The parts of the clitoris that extend inward can, in some women, be stimulated through the vaginal walls. Scientists who are skeptical of the existence and significance of the G-Spot attribute much of this vaginal sensation to the clitoris’ internal structure.

Remember that sexual pleasure is experienced best, and most intensely, when orgasm isn’t the goal. Rather, enjoy the exploration and variety of sensations for their own sake. Taking plenty of time (Pointer Sisters playing Slow Hand in the Background…), and being fully aroused before you begin vaginal stimulation will enhance your experience.

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Too Much of a Good Thing

Q. In recent years I have begun to question if I have a “normal” sex drive. I wonder this because I have not had sex with a lot of partners but when I have been in a relationship I have always wanted to have a lot of sex. I have always wanted to have sex more frequently then my partners have wanted and I have wanted to have sex for a longer duration then my partners.
Also I seem to be very different than most other women because when I have sex I like to have 3,4,5,6……orgasms which for me is very normal. My friends think that it is crazy for me to have so many orgasms and it is making me feel abnormal.

Am I overly sexual for having so many orgasms and for being more sexual than my past boyfriends, am I not the norm?

Also, although I have felt satisfied by my past partners and I feel that I have had good sexual experiences, I have sort of felt bored with having sex with men. I am tired of sex revolving around the penis and around the male orgasm and I am tired of there being a time line with sex starting and ending with the penis. Having intercourse is the least exciting part of sex for me. I am more interested in eroticism and creative sex. Do you think that this means that I might be interested in having sex with women? I’m feeling like maybe being intimate with a woman might be very pleasurable and totally different then anything I have experienced with a man.

A. I can assure you that while it is unusual for a young woman to be easily and multiply orgasmic, it is far from being abnormal in a clinical sense. How we come to be the sexual individuals we are depends on a host of biological and environmental factors interacting with each other over time. The fact that this seems odd to your friends is totally irrelevant to your experience.

Hanging out with people that cause you to feel bad about who you are and how you are sexually or any other way isn’t good for you. However, one good strategy to help cope with this is to stand up for yourself. You know what you need and desire better than anyone. Developing a positive view of yourself is part of becoming a well-functioning adult. In this case, you can consider your friends’ appraisals of your sexuality to be an opportunity to practice holding onto yourself and your experience, and try validating from inside rather than looking outside.

It sounds like you are choosing your partners carefully, and that’s a crucial first step. In the earlier, pre-sex stages, have discussions about your mutual expectations for sexuality within your relationship. Talk about what you experience and desire to experience. Encourage him to share his ideas with you. From this, you should be able to get a good idea about whether or not you’d be compatible. I probably can’t say this enough, but these are good things to know WAY BEFORE you actually behave sexually with someone. If the conversations don’t lead you to believe this might work, move on!!

I think it’s interesting that you equate longer, more creative lovemaking patterns exclusively with women. The desire for such intense experiences doesn’t suggest to me that you are anything other than heterosexual, however. Rather, it sounds like you’re operating under a stereotype of what sex between women might be like. It isn’t the activities that define one’s orientation, but rather it is the focus of that person’s desires, attractions, and fantasies.

In your case, it sounds more like an erotophilia/erotophobia issue. By that I mean that some people, regardless of orientation, are just naturally more sexual. They think about it more, engage in both solo and partner sex more, and have a more positive attitude about it than their more erotophobic cousins. You sound to me like someone who is more erotophilic, and there’s certainly nothing wrong or abnormal about that.

If you carefully choose your partners, and clarify beforehand what you expect and desire from the relationship in terms of sexual experiences, I think you’ll find someone who shares your experience, and can keep up.

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Can I Have My Cake and Eat It Too?

Q. I have been in a relationship with a man for the past year and a half. We are deeply in love and have a soul connection. The problem is that I am not generally sexually attracted to men; I am attracted to women. We talk about this a lot and he is very understanding. It would hurt him terribly if I were with someone else. I am so confused and I do not know what to do. I do not want to ruin the sacredness of our relationship, but at the same time I can’t sacrifice my satisfaction forever, I would appreciate any advice you can give me.

A. Your situation is not uncommon, and couples have tried many different solutions. The situation you describe is difficult, no matter how you look at it. I get the sense that you are attracted to this man, but not to men in general. It sounds to me as well like you have a commitment to monogamy, and that neither of you has broken that promise.

I’m glad you’re talking about it, because there is no way this could work if you weren’t honest with him and yourself about how you feel. Basic attractions don’t really change that much over time, and it isn’t reasonable for him or you to expect that true love, or anything else, will make a straight girl out of you.

I’m going to pose a hypothetical question for you, and I suggest you take some time to reflect on it. If he were a woman, and you felt the same soul connection, do you think you would be happy spending the rest of your life with her, never experiencing any other lovers?

The reason the question is important is that your orientation might not be the central issue in this case, even though it might seem like it is. It may be that the idea of life-long monogamy is really what’s freaking you out. Think long and hard about that. If you are basically non-monogamous, and he isn’t, that will be a major problem in the future.

Nevertheless, there are a number of people that have made very satisfying relationships outside the two-people norm. Yes, I know, I’m corrupting the youth of HSU by saying so, and thanks, I appreciate your prayers, and no, I’m probably not going to convert to a traditional world view any time soon, but really, you and your sweetheart can make any agreement you want, as long as it works for both of you.

I also have to tell you that way more people have failed at this than have succeeded, and that the attempt has demolished the relationships of many a well-meaning open-minded couple.

It sounds like you’ve talked with him about your having other partner(s) and that idea doesn’t work for him. You might create a 3-way partnership, by including another woman in your relationship on a more permanent basis. The details to work out an agreement like that could easily make your head spin, but there are resources to help you should you decide to tackle it. Look up an organization called Loving More.

You could also make a different kind of relationship with him, more like a Celtic Handfasting where you commit as long as love lasts. If it’s the idea of a permanent commitment that’s scaring you, then you could delay making one entirely. The absolute worst thing you could do is to break your agreement. Whatever you decide, you must be a grown-up about it. Honesty with your lover, as well as with any possible new lovers, is paramount.

When all is said and done walking away alone or together, with your integrity intact, should be your goal.

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Boyfriend Can’t Come

Q. I got together with my boyfriend fairly recently, and we just started having sex. We’ve had sex a few times, in a variety of ways, and he’s never ejaculated. I thought it might be condom shyness, or the fact that we haven’t been together very long…but he never loses his erection, he just doesn’t come. It’s starting to worry him. Any suggestions on what the problem might be or how to fix it???

A. Your sweetie is experiencing something called inhibited male orgasm, and it’s more common than most people realize. Roughly 10% of men experience it at some time in their lives. It could be situational or global. Situational means that he experiences orgasm under some circumstances and not others. Global means he can’t orgasm at all. Sexual dysfunctions also have a time component. They can be acquired or lifelong. This is pretty self-explanatory, and means whether one has always been this way or whether it’s a new problem.

It sounds to me like his difficulty is acquired. I can’t tell from what you’ve said whether it’s situational or not. Can he orgasm alone? If he was able to orgasm when self-pleasuring, and now he can’t orgasm at all, it would be a good idea to make sure there isn’t some underlying medical condition causing the problem.

That’s pretty unlikely, and I would bet that he is able to orgasm alone, but just hasn’t yet with you. In that case, I would say that the most likely explanation is the same as the one I would give if it were you that were having trouble with orgasm. The simplest explanation is that you two just haven’t worked out all the kinks (pun intended) yet for what makes each of you tick.

Pay attention to the emotional and psychological parts of your relationship, too, and make sure you aren’t rushing things. If you are both really ready for sex, you might try a bridge technique.

To bridge means to do one thing for a while, then switch at the last minute to something you know works. The easiest fix would be for you two to make love as long as you want, and when he wants to orgasm, he can pleasure himself. If you both can handle it, it would be best if he did this while wrapped in your arms. It would serve two purposes. First, you can see what he likes, and second, it will probably work like a charm.

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Bisexual Support

Q. I’m wondering if there is anything like a bisexual swingers club here locally, or a group that gets together. I ‘m also wondering if it is even a good thing to do, with all the unsafe sex that could happen. I feel like it would be a good thing to experience, as long as I’m safe. I am just completely not in the know about these things, and don’t have the slightest clue as to how to go about finding like minded people…

A. There is a polyamorous support group forming, and I’ve seen their flyer up a couple of places. That might be a good place to start. While it isn’t bisexual exactly, at least it includes the multi-partner aspect of what you’re looking for. After you make contact, you should have a pretty good idea about whether or not a bisexual person would be welcome.

As for playing safe, you’re right to be concerned. Most of the polyamorous people I’ve met play only safely. Condoms are required for any insertive activity, and many choose to use barriers for any activity that involves fluid exchange. The groups that are well established, for example several in the bay area, have written behavior codes that the group adheres to. These codes are taken seriously, and those who play agree to abide by them.

You’re also not alone. The QSU is pretty friendly to bis, so if you’re a student you should check them out (Thursdays at the multi-cultural center). In addition there are resources in the community. Read the GALA news for activities and events listings.

I suggest that you read the Ethical Slut for further guidelines. Be up front with your partners, so they can make their own informed decisions about risks and health. It’s the honesty and integrity in relationships that determine their morality. Whatever agreements you make, keep them.