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Too Much of a Good Thing

Q. In recent years I have begun to question if I have a “normal” sex drive. I wonder this because I have not had sex with a lot of partners but when I have been in a relationship I have always wanted to have a lot of sex. I have always wanted to have sex more frequently then my partners have wanted and I have wanted to have sex for a longer duration then my partners.
Also I seem to be very different than most other women because when I have sex I like to have 3,4,5,6……orgasms which for me is very normal. My friends think that it is crazy for me to have so many orgasms and it is making me feel abnormal.

Am I overly sexual for having so many orgasms and for being more sexual than my past boyfriends, am I not the norm?

Also, although I have felt satisfied by my past partners and I feel that I have had good sexual experiences, I have sort of felt bored with having sex with men. I am tired of sex revolving around the penis and around the male orgasm and I am tired of there being a time line with sex starting and ending with the penis. Having intercourse is the least exciting part of sex for me. I am more interested in eroticism and creative sex. Do you think that this means that I might be interested in having sex with women? I’m feeling like maybe being intimate with a woman might be very pleasurable and totally different then anything I have experienced with a man.

A. I can assure you that while it is unusual for a young woman to be easily and multiply orgasmic, it is far from being abnormal in a clinical sense. How we come to be the sexual individuals we are depends on a host of biological and environmental factors interacting with each other over time. The fact that this seems odd to your friends is totally irrelevant to your experience.

Hanging out with people that cause you to feel bad about who you are and how you are sexually or any other way isn’t good for you. However, one good strategy to help cope with this is to stand up for yourself. You know what you need and desire better than anyone. Developing a positive view of yourself is part of becoming a well-functioning adult. In this case, you can consider your friends’ appraisals of your sexuality to be an opportunity to practice holding onto yourself and your experience, and try validating from inside rather than looking outside.

It sounds like you are choosing your partners carefully, and that’s a crucial first step. In the earlier, pre-sex stages, have discussions about your mutual expectations for sexuality within your relationship. Talk about what you experience and desire to experience. Encourage him to share his ideas with you. From this, you should be able to get a good idea about whether or not you’d be compatible. I probably can’t say this enough, but these are good things to know WAY BEFORE you actually behave sexually with someone. If the conversations don’t lead you to believe this might work, move on!!

I think it’s interesting that you equate longer, more creative lovemaking patterns exclusively with women. The desire for such intense experiences doesn’t suggest to me that you are anything other than heterosexual, however. Rather, it sounds like you’re operating under a stereotype of what sex between women might be like. It isn’t the activities that define one’s orientation, but rather it is the focus of that person’s desires, attractions, and fantasies.

In your case, it sounds more like an erotophilia/erotophobia issue. By that I mean that some people, regardless of orientation, are just naturally more sexual. They think about it more, engage in both solo and partner sex more, and have a more positive attitude about it than their more erotophobic cousins. You sound to me like someone who is more erotophilic, and there’s certainly nothing wrong or abnormal about that.

If you carefully choose your partners, and clarify beforehand what you expect and desire from the relationship in terms of sexual experiences, I think you’ll find someone who shares your experience, and can keep up.