Author: Melinda Myers

Q. I got together with my boyfriend fairly recently, and we just started having sex. We’ve had sex a few times, in a variety of ways, and he’s never ejaculated. I thought it might be condom shyness, or the fact that we haven’t been together very long…but he never loses his erection, he just doesn’t come. It’s starting to worry him. Any suggestions on what the problem might be or how to fix it???

A. Your sweetie is experiencing something called inhibited male orgasm, and it’s more common than most people realize. Roughly 10% of men experience it at some time in their lives. It could be situational or global. Situational means that he experiences orgasm under some circumstances and not others. Global means he can’t orgasm at all. Sexual dysfunctions also have a time component. They can be acquired or lifelong. This is pretty self-explanatory, and means whether one has always been this way or whether it’s a new problem.

It sounds to me like his difficulty is acquired. I can’t tell from what you’ve said whether it’s situational or not. Can he orgasm alone? If he was able to orgasm when self-pleasuring, and now he can’t orgasm at all, it would be a good idea to make sure there isn’t some underlying medical condition causing the problem.

That’s pretty unlikely, and I would bet that he is able to orgasm alone, but just hasn’t yet with you. In that case, I would say that the most likely explanation is the same as the one I would give if it were you that were having trouble with orgasm. The simplest explanation is that you two just haven’t worked out all the kinks (pun intended) yet for what makes each of you tick.

Pay attention to the emotional and psychological parts of your relationship, too, and make sure you aren’t rushing things. If you are both really ready for sex, you might try a bridge technique.

To bridge means to do one thing for a while, then switch at the last minute to something you know works. The easiest fix would be for you two to make love as long as you want, and when he wants to orgasm, he can pleasure himself. If you both can handle it, it would be best if he did this while wrapped in your arms. It would serve two purposes. First, you can see what he likes, and second, it will probably work like a charm.

Q. I’m wondering if there is anything like a bisexual swingers club here locally, or a group that gets together. I ‘m also wondering if it is even a good thing to do, with all the unsafe sex that could happen. I feel like it would be a good thing to experience, as long as I’m safe. I am just completely not in the know about these things, and don’t have the slightest clue as to how to go about finding like minded people…

A. There is a polyamorous support group forming, and I’ve seen their flyer up a couple of places. That might be a good place to start. While it isn’t bisexual exactly, at least it includes the multi-partner aspect of what you’re looking for. After you make contact, you should have a pretty good idea about whether or not a bisexual person would be welcome.

As for playing safe, you’re right to be concerned. Most of the polyamorous people I’ve met play only safely. Condoms are required for any insertive activity, and many choose to use barriers for any activity that involves fluid exchange. The groups that are well established, for example several in the bay area, have written behavior codes that the group adheres to. These codes are taken seriously, and those who play agree to abide by them.

You’re also not alone. The QSU is pretty friendly to bis, so if you’re a student you should check them out (Thursdays at the multi-cultural center). In addition there are resources in the community. Read the GALA news for activities and events listings.

I suggest that you read the Ethical Slut for further guidelines. Be up front with your partners, so they can make their own informed decisions about risks and health. It’s the honesty and integrity in relationships that determine their morality. Whatever agreements you make, keep them.